Crying in Carolina: Published January 2011 in Shack Row Times
Dear Slutty Aunt,
I have recently been dumped by my boyfriend of three months. I am absolutely devastated. I am positive that he was the one. It was love at first sight. We really had something: he was beautiful, well-spoken, and the best sex of my life. I am so hurt I can barely get out of bed. You are the one person I can turn to, Slutty Aunt. What should I do?
Needing your advice desperately,
Crying in Carolina
Dear Crying in Carolina,
First and foremost, go to your kitchen. Take out your vodka. Take out a breakfast drink: cranberry juice, orange, or tomato juice (my personal favorite). Mix. Drink. Mix again.
Okay, my love. If your slutty aunt doesn’t tell you, who would? So, here it goes. What you had was not love at first sight; it was in fact lust at first sight. You had passion, intensity, and hot hot sex. This—lust—can and often is mistaken as love by dumbasses and romantics. You, my girl, are neither. So, get over it. How Slutty Aunt? I can hear you asking me, and I am so glad you did. Lust is not a bad thing when thought of in the correct mindset. The best and most thrilling way to get over this case of mistaken love for lust is to take it by the balls and use it to your advantage.
Two boyfriends. Yes, I said it: date two at once. Now this is not as simple as it seems: there are rules you must, must follow to be successful at this endeavor.
- Neither of these men will be your future husband. Therefore, they must each fulfill one quality: each must be uncannily hott. With two t’s my dear: hott. I am talking lick-chocolate-syrup-from-the-crevices-of-their-abs hot. This, lovely, is nonnegotiable.
- Good in bed. No explanation needed.
- Let them know from the very beginning that you want one thing and one thing only: fun. You are not the kind of girl who thinks she’s found her soulmate after one date…anymore. Therefore, they are expendable: and they should know this up front.
- They should not know about one another. In fact, consider having an in-town boyfriend and a vacation boyfriend. Make sure, however, that neither thinks he is the only ship in your harbor. That just saves you from guilt. Which brings me to rule 5
- Do not feel guilty. That is just years of “good girl” indoctrination gnawing at your gut. Block it out. Remember: if you were a man dating around honestly, no one would think twice.
The point, Crying in Carolina, is that crying over a man that you dated for three months will always be in vain. Life is short. So date several people while you’re hot. Enjoy your sexuality and your senses. Eat. Drink. Get laid.
Drunk Slutty Aunt